Sex Has Consequences

An original play by Joey Basford

Coming Soon:The Jacob Reese Adaptation

Act I

Scene 1

(The curtain rises on the stage we find The Devil standing in his chamber of doom)

The Devil:Double Double Toilet Trouble

(A Plumber arrives)

Plumber:Can you hold your horses? I'm almost done

The Devil:Can you hurry? I gotta pee

Plumber:Just do something productive

The Devil:Destructive?

Plumber:Sure

The Devil:That gives me a great idea

(Blackout)

End Scene 1

Scene 2

(We find Jack Jefferson and his all-american friends Ken Kennedy, David Davis, and Rob Robinson)

Rob:Well Jackie boy you seem quite tender today

Jack:Why would I not, Saturday is a big night

Rob:Ah yes the dance, you do realize we must get ready for Ryder High first right?

Jack:Don't worry we're going to score on Ryder just like I will with Mary

(We cut to where Mary is outside under a tree with her friends Alice Allison, Cameron Cameron, and Helen Hinkelbomber)

Helen:So Mary do you plan on going for the ball on Saturday night?

Mary:Oh dear lord no I couldn't

Alice:What are you scared?

Mary:No its just my values hold me back. I feel I should wait til marriage

Cameron:Marriage is overrated like sex

Mary:So why do you insist on me doing it?

Cameron:Because its all the rage

Mary:I have values, my mother, and my sister all look up to me

Helen:Well you're 6'1

Mary:Touche

End Scene 2

Scene 3

(We find Jack at his home bench pressing)

Mr.Jefferson:Son, I want to talk to you

Jack:What is it dad?

Mr.Jefferson:Well son, I know that tomorrow you embark on the first part of a long journey

Jack:Its just Homecoming dad

Mr.Jefferson:Son I don't think you understand, its not Homecoming...its a way of life. That date is the first step to a long and sometimes difficult life journey.

Jack:What are you saying?

Mr.Jefferson:Play safe

Jack:Dad, I'm not going to have sex

Mr.Jefferson:Woah woah woah woah woah look here Jethro Tull I said nothing about sex. I'm just saying be careful during the game...you're a pervert

Jack:I don't get it

Mr.Jefferson:Thats it Sunday morning I am sending you to church and Father O'Reilly will give you a pep talk

Jack:For what?

Mr.Jefferson:To get you motivated

Jack:For what?

Mr.Jefferson:Sex son!

Jack:Ugh...thats cool dad...look my mother is calling

Mr.Jefferson:Ok son just be careful

(He walks over to the kitchen)

Mrs.Jefferson:Oh son how are you?

Jack:Quite well I suppose

Mrs.Jefferson:Thats good, hows dad?]

Jack:He's ok just slightly crazy today

Mrs.Jefferson:At least he isn't marching nude in the Mummers day parade again

Jack:Yeah that was embarrassing

Mrs.Jefferson:So are you taking Mary Washington to the dance?

Jack:Yes indeedy, we're going to have a quite splendid night if I must say

Mrs.Jefferson:I hope so

(Across stage in hell we find the Devil laughing)

The Devil:Oh it will

(Evil Laugh)

The Plumber(off-stage):What will?

The Devil:Quiet you twit

End Scene 3

End Act I

Act II

Scene 1

(We find the gang at the dance)

Rob:Damn Jackie this party is kickin

Jack:Yeah just like we kicked their buttockses in Football

Ken:So when are the chickies

Jack:As soon of Mother Hen's eggs hatch

Ken:Makes sense I suppose

(Meanwhile in hell we find the Devil talking with the Plumber)

The Plumber:Whats the occasion?

The Devil(wearing a red tux):Its time to go dancing I say

Plumber:Do you know any dances??

Devil:No not really...I'm just going to seduce Jack and Mary

Plumber:You do that

Devil:Oh I will

(Later we find everybody dancing)

Jack:Woo thats been a dusy. I'll be right back

(He walks over to the bathroom where he finds The Devil wearing a tux)

Jack:So cool kitty cat I never seen you around here before

Devil:The names Lucifer

Jack:Like "I Love Lucy"?

Devil:Umm...no...not really

Jack:Oh

Devil:Want to try this cool keen drink?

Jack:What is it called?

Devil:Sextacee

Jack:Whats it do?

Devil:Gives you more energy for shaking, rattling, and rolling...if you catch my drift *wink*

Jack:I don't but I'll try it anyways

(He drinks it all)

Jack:Gee thanks I feel it now

Devil:As you should

(Evil Laugh)

Jack:...Well I'll catch you later then?

Devil:Oh you will

(Eviler Laugh)

(Jack heads back to the dance floor. Still with the drink)

Mary:Say where did you get that drink?

Jack:From some cool cat named "Lucifer". He's a real devil I tell ya

Mary(she drinks it):He must be the way this drink works

The Devil(off-stage):Oh you don't know the whole of it

(Evil Laugh)

End Scene 1

Scene 2

(4 months have gone by. It is now March, we find Jack and Mary sitting at the Sugar Bowl eating...food?)

Mary:My goodness, I have to stop eating, I'm getting bigger

Jack:Surely, my dear, its just the food...right?

Mary:Jackie, I really don't know. I am confused. I feel that something may have happened to me...that night

Jack:Theres no way you can be pregnant

Mary:I'm scared Jack, I might have to get a doctor to check it out

Jack:Rest assure that nothing is wrong with you. Maybe your metabolism has gotten bad and you're overweight not pregnant.

Mary:I tell you Jack, the symptoms are there

Jack:Thats just gas

Mary:Jack, this isn't funny

Jack:I know you need to wear more perfume

Mary:I'm going to the doctor's tomorrow and put an end to this madness

Jack:I hope so

Mary:How's recruiting going?

Jack:Quite splendid I'm down to Ohio State, Notre Dame, Michigan, Maryland, and Oklahoma. I should be making my pick at the end of the week. And I'll tell you what baby, I WILL make our dreams come true

Mary:I hope so, I would hate for a setback

(The Devil walks in dressed in a "professional looking" outfit)

Jack:Say maybe that cool cat is a doctor

Mary:Where do you base that off of?

Jack:The next line in the script

The Devil:Oh I'm sorry to intrude but I here you're looking for a doctor

Jack:Yes indeed, are you one?

The Devil:Yes, the name is Doctor Death

Mary:That sounds scary

Jack:Yeah, and you look familiar

The Devil:I must have one of those type of faces

Jack:Yeah, so what can you do for us?

The Devil:I can set up an appointment

Jack:For what time?

The Devil:8 o'clock tonight

Jack:Alright, its a date

The Devil:What kind of date?

Jack:How about dinner with us

The Devil:Sure

End Scene 2

Scene 3

(We find Mr and Mrs Washington talking with the Jeffersons)

Mr.Washington:I must say Jack and Mary are getting along quite fairly

Mrs.Jefferson:I will agree, myself

Mr.Jefferson:Yeah they're just like Abbott and Costello except one is female

Mr.Washington(chuckling):Must be your boy Mr.Jefferson

Mr.Jefferson:I am afraid not, my son is a man, a man of courage, a man of honor, a man of prestige. He is one in a million. He is the Phenom of Throwing, the Aztec of Ashes, the Son of Sam, the Darling of Delaware, the Beast of Burden, the Clown of Colorado, the Evil of Essence, the Frogger of Freaks, the Giant of Grapes, the Houdini of Halloween, the Igloo of Iceland, the Joker of Jokes, the King of Knights, the Least Common Denominator, the Mop of Minnesota, the Night of the Living Dead, the Opus of Mr. Holland, the Ping of Ping Pong, the Quacker of Quakes, the Rat of Recess, the Standard of High Definition, the Top of the Tower, the United States of America, the Valerie of Victorias, the Wake of Westminster, the Xavier of Xena, the Yang of Ying, the Zero of Nero, he is JACQUELINE NICOLE RICHIE RICARDO ELLIS JONES ROBINSON JOHNSON JACOB JINGLE HEIMER SCHMIDT THOMAS JEFFERSON...Senior...

Mr.Washington:Senior? Are you implying that my daughter is pregnant with his child?

Mr.Jefferson:Blasphamy! It is quite clear that he is pregnant with HER child!

Mr.Washington:Mr.Jefferson what you have just said may be the most idiotic thing I have ever heard in my life. Never in your insane rambling did you even come anywhere close to rational thought. Everyone in this room including you(if thats possible) is now dumber because of you. For this I reward you no points and may God have mercy on your soul

Mr.Jefferson(thumb in mouth rocking back and forth):I'm s-s-s-s-s-sorry

Mr.Washington:Thats better

Mrs.Jefferson:Surely, Mr.Washington I am assured that Jack and Mary have done nothing wrong

Mr.Washington:I hope not for my poor Mary could never be a mother she is not qualified

Mrs.Washington:Now what makes you assure of that?

Mr.Washington:She's a woman...she is completely devoid of common sense

Mrs.Washington:Listen here Yang, I'm not too "keen" on your vocabulary

Mr.Washington:I am not a male anatomy

Mrs.Washington:I did not call you that I called you Yang

Mr.Washington:Yeah Chinese for male anatomy

Mrs.Washington:Thats Wang

Mr.Washington:Touche...I see what you did that

Mrs.Jefferson:Like The Who says, "The Kids Are Alright"

Mr.Washington:Who are The Who?

Mr.Jefferson:The Who is a rock band from the future that plays the best music ever. Their lead singer Roger Daughtry is possibly the best lead singer in British Rock history. Their drummer Keith Moon is the best in the business

Mr.Washington:And what does they have to do with anything

Mr.Jefferson:I can't explain

Mr.Washington:I see, I guess they're ok

(We cut to Hell's Kitchen where we find the Devil, Jack, and Mary having dinner)

The Devil:So how is this fine meal?

Jack:It is fantastic, Doc

The Devil:Why thank you...how is your meal, Miss?

Mary:Oh it is quite delish

The Devil:I agree, and you're definately pregnant

(They drop their forks)

Mary:What do you mean?

The Devil:Oh Mary, its a known fact then when pregnant women eat more

Mary:Oh no Jack it is true!

Jack:Doctor, theres gotta be some way to prevent this from happening?

The Devil:There is...and its called an abortion

Mary:An abortion, oh dear god no!

The Devil:Oh yes, its the only method to getting rid of this child

Mary:Jack I can't

Jack:Mary, you'll have to, its the only way

The Devil:Colleges aren't keen on students with children

Jack:Do it...its our only hope

Mary:I can't

(She runs out of the house crying)

The Devil:Oh its a shame, she has big sense of morality, right?

Jack:Unfortunately so

The Devil:Well thats too bad...its up to you Jackie, you have to save your future and convince her to lose it

Jack:I'll do what I have to...thank you Doc

The Devil:Oh no thank you my friend

End Scene 3

End Act II

Act III

(We see a blank stage and out comes Joey Basford)

Basford:As you all know that is the end of Act I. In my plays we have this thing called filter. This is filter. Basically the actors are dead off their buttockses and cannot perform for "x" amount of minutes. So I will talk and waste time

(The Devil enters from stage left)

The Devil:We're ready to go

Basford:No you're not

The Devil:We are we totally are

Basford:Proove it

The Devil:Jack, Mary!

(They enter)

Jack:Yes Jacob...I mean Satan?

The Devil:Are we ready or not?

Jack:Yes

Basford:No not til I say so

Jack:Its not your say

Basford:Yes it is I'm the bleeding director and writer and producer. So get your butts backstage and prepare for the next scene

Mary:Ok either you let us on stage or we quit

Basford:Fine screw you all you can kiss my ass I'm out of here. And good luck finding anyone as good as me

(Basford leaves and Zach Skier shows up)

The Devil:Your hired

Zach Skier:I am? Cool....

End Act III

Act IV

(We find Mary sitting in a church on her knees. Jack enters)

Jack:What are you doing here?

Mary:Praying

Jack:For?

Mary:Everything to go right

Jack:It is I talked to the doctors and we're having the abortion done tomorrow

Mary:What?

Jack:Yes

Mary:Jack this isn't right, this is murder

Jack:Mary, this baby wasn't mean't to be think of it this way...we have the abortion and our lives are saved and things can go well

Mary:But didn't you see Blue Denim those doctors are evil and Janet and Arthur almost got into trouble

Jack:Are you refering to the film or Basford's version?

Mary:That version isn't supposed to be written for another 50 years

Jack:Oh well I am part psychic

Mary:And completely stupid

Jack:Thats beside the point. The point is we have to get the abortion

(He gets on his knees, holds her hand and gazes into her eyes)

Jack:Look if we don't do it now, our lives are ruined

Mary:I guess you're right

Jack:You're talking to a football player we're always right

Mary:I just hope nothing happens

(Enter a Priest)

Priest:Oh hello children, what brings you here?

Jack:Oh nothing father we're just praying

Priest:Thats good, I'm glad to see a sin free people in this monstrous generation

Jack:We're not all bad

Priest:Looking at you two I can tell. Well children, you have a wonderful day I got a polygamist Rock party to attend

(He takes off his priest robe revealing a leather outfit and walks off-stage)

Jack:See he's oblivious

End Scene 1

Scene 2

(We find the parents talking)

Mr.Washington:I stay say, Mr.Jefferson you're a complete idiot

Mr.Jefferson:Well I agree

Mrs.Washington:How long have they been arguing?

Mrs.Jefferson:Since Act II

Mrs.Washington:Jeez you'd think they discuss something else

(Jack enters with Mary)

Mrs.Jefferson:Why hello kids, how are you this evening

Jack:I knocked up Mary

Mr.Washington and Mr.Jefferson:WHAT?

Jack:I mean down

Mr.Washington and Mr.Jefferson:Oh

Jack:Yeah we were boxing

Mr.Jefferson:You had me going sonny boy

Jack:Yeah my bad

Mr.Washington:So who won?

Jack:I did

Mr.Jefferson:Thats my boy, see there Mr.Washington, your daughter is no match for my sons uppercut

Mr.Washington:Beh whatever, Mary get your big butt and your mother out of here we're going home

Mary:Ok

(The Washingtons leave)

Mr.Jefferson:I have noticed that shes gotten fat

Jack:Its not fat, its muscle

Mrs.Jefferson:Muscle?

Jack:Yes, Mary and I have been to the gym

Mr.Jefferson:Than why is her butt twice the size of Joey Basford's full body?

Jack:Wasn't that line supposed to say something else?

Mr.Jefferson:Yes but the cast hates him right now so we have to take as many shots as we can

Jack:Ah I see what you did there

Mr.Jefferson:Yes, but how do you explain her booty?

Jack:A new workout

Mr.Jefferson:Called?

Jack:Buttercups

Mr.Jefferson:And whats that?

Jack:Basically you do pushups with weights on your buttocks

Mr.Jefferson:I should try it and attract the chickies

Jack:Dad I don't think women are attracted to big bottoms

Mr.Jefferson:Son I know more about women than you know about football

Jack:Thats one of the stupidest analogies I've ever heard

Mr.Jefferson:Well I'm a stupid person

Jack:We established this in Act 1

Mr.Jefferson:I thought it was Act II?

Jack:No, Act II solidified it

Mr.Jefferson:What was Act III?

Jack:Filter

Mr.Jefferson:Well what Act are we in?

Jack:4 dad

Mr.Jefferson:Oh well dang this has been pretty fast

Jack:Its easy when your writer is extremely lazy

Mr.Jefferson:You got a point

Jack:I'm going to bed

Mr.Jefferson:Ok

(He heads off stage)

End Scene 2

Scene 3

(We find Mary laying in her bed, suddenly a nun walks in)

Nun:Wake up!

(She gets up)

Mary:Who are you

Nun:Mother Superior

Mary:Oh my, what brings you here?

Nun:I hear you're getting an abortion

Mary:Yes I am

Nun:That is a sin

Mary:I know, will you forgive me mother?

Nun:Yes...with a vengeance!

(She takes an axe and swings it at Mary)

(Darkness)

(Light where we find Mary in her bed)

Mary:It was just a dream

(On the other side of the bed we find Joey Basford)

Basford:Trust me that was no dream

(She screams then darkness again)

(Light)

Mary(covered in sweat):Oh jeez, this is getting bad I don't think I can do this

(Suddenly the Devil appears)

Mary:Who are you?

The Devil:I am your, ugh..uncle

Mary:Oh, thats cool

The Devil:Yeah

Mary:What are you doing here?

The Devil:Giving you a tasty drink

Mary:Whats it called?

The Devil:Oblivion

Mary:Whats in it

The Devil:Tasty stuff

Mary:Ooo delicious

(She chugs it and burps and he flies 10 feet back)

Mary:Thank you uncle

The Devil:Please don't mention it

End Act IV

Act V:The Finale

Scene 1

(We find Jack and Mary at night walking, they stop inside the clinic)

Dr.Acula:Ello and velcome to the hospitol. vhat are your names?

Jack:Jack Jefferson and Mary Washington

Dr.Acula:Ves Ves, you're here for the abortion...DOCTOR AFRICA!

(Dr.Africa enters)

Dr.Africa:Yes?

Dr.Acula:These are the people here for the abortion

Dr.Africa:Oh I see well lets begin

(He heads off-stage and rolls a bed)

Dr.Africa:Just lay down here and we'll see

(She lays on the bed)

Jack:Is it safe?

Dr.Africa:It should be

Dr.Acula:Ves hopefully there'll be blood!

(Dr.Africa hits Dr.Acula with a newspaper)

Dr.Africa:Quiet you!

(Police Sirens blare in the air and police officers storm in)

Officer:Dr.Africa, Dr.Acula you're under arrest for the practice of abortion. Get em boys!

(Other officers attempt to arrest them but Dr.Acula fights back by biting them and sucking their blood. Another officer pulls a gun out and fires at Dr.Acula but he ducks and hits Mary)

Jack:No!

Mary:Run Jackie, run

(She faints)

(He grabs the hospitol bed and shoves it at the officers knocking them over he then runs off-stage)

End Scene 1

Scene 2

(We find the Washingtons and the Jeffersons in a room listening to the radio)

Mrs.Washington:So where did Jack and Mary go?

Mrs.Jefferson:They went to the Clinic

Mr.Washington:Clinic?

Mrs.Jefferson:Yes the Clinic

Mr.Washington:What is it?

Mrs.Jefferson:Its a hockey arena, the Skiers must be playing

Mr.Washington:Must

Radio Announcer:We interrupt this program to bring you an important announcement, their has been a raid at the West Andersonville Clinic where a fight between police and doctors have ended with 2 arrests, 1 injured, and 1 escapee

Mr.Washington:Oh gosh, doesn't sound too keen

Mr.Jefferson:I sure hope they found that freak who escaped anyone who kill a baby is it sick twisted sinister anal acculated bisexual neutral sited cannibal freak monster from Potsdam

Radio Announcer:The people identified are as follows:Dr.Count Acula, Dr.Will Acula, Mary Washington, and Jack Jefferson)

(They all look on in shock)

Mr.Washington:I knew your boy was a bad influence

Mr.Jefferson:Its clear that your girl is the negative Nancy

Mr.Washington:That does it I'm tired of your ARROGANCE

Mr.Jefferson:THIRTY YEARS OF FRUSTRATION!

(They begin to fight eventually rolling out of site off-stage)

End Scene 2

Scene 3

(We find Jack hiding behind a trash can as cops look on)

Cop 1:I guess we'll have to check further away

(They leave the area)

Jack:Oh dear god, what have I done

(The lights go out, when they come back on everything is tinted red and the Rolling Stones song, "Sympathy for the Devil" plays and the Devil appears with the plumber)

Jack:Who are you?

The Devil:Can't you hear the song?

Jack:Yes but what does that have to do with anything?

The Devil:It describes to you who I am

Jack:Well who are you?

The Devil:Listen to the song

Jack:Why won't you just summarize it

The Devil:Fine lets do it

(A band of demons join in with guitars)

The Devil:Hit it boys

(Music starts)

The Devil:Please allow me to introduce myself
Im a man of wealth and taste
Ive been around for a long, long year
Stole many a mans soul and faith
And I was round when jesus christ
Had his moment of doubt and pain
Made damn sure that pilate
Washed his hands and sealed his fate
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name
But whats puzzling you
Is the nature of my game
I stuck around st. petersburg
When I saw it was a time for a change
Killed the czar and his ministers
Anastasia screamed in vain
I rode a tank
Held a generals rank
When the blitzkrieg raged
And the bodies stank
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name, oh yeah
Ah, whats puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, oh yeah
I watched with glee
While your kings and queens
Fought for ten decades
For the gods they made
I shouted out,
Who killed the kennedys?
When after all
It was you and me
Let me please introduce myself
Im a man of wealth and taste
And I laid traps for troubadours
Who get killed before they reached bombay
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah
But whats puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, oh yeah, get down, baby
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah
But whats confusing you
Is just the nature of my game
Just as every cop is a criminal
And all the sinners saints
As heads is tails
Just call me...

(Before he finishes he is interrupted)

Jack:Wait I got it...you're Mick Jagger

The Devil:No...

Jack:Joey Basford?

The Devil:Um no

Jack:Keith Richards?

The Devil:Nope

Jack:Jacob Reese?

The Devil(inconspicous):No...

Jack:God?

The Devil:Oh god no...please just call me....Lucifer...

Jack:Oh hi, Luci...oh my god, you're the Devil?

The Devil:Yes

Jack:Wh-wh-what do you want with me?

The Devil:Just a little game

Jack:A game?

The Devil:Yes

Jack:Of what?

The Devil:Cat and mouse

Jack:What do you mean

The Devil:You see Jackie boy you and your precious Mary are just mice in my little game and I'm the cat

Jack:How do you know us?

The Devil:I'm the reason behind this

(He grabs Jack by the collar and pushes him against the wall)

The Devil:Remember the dance Jackie?

Jack:What about it?

The Devil:It was me, who gave you the drink that caused you and Mary to forget your "morals" and do the dirtiest of all sins. I was the doctor who said she was pregnant and recommended you to Dr.Acula and Dr.Africa, who I set up for failure. It was me who actually impregnated Mary.

Jack:Thats not possible!

The Devil:Oh it is, you drank Devil's Serum meaning that through your sexual intercourse with Mary not only have you impregnated her you've also planted the seed into creating the anti-christ. He shall be born August 13th, and from their my son Danny will rise through television to destroy the world. HAHAHAHAHAHAA!

Jack:Are you saying Danny Bonaduce is the anti-christ?

The Devil:Yes

Jack:And you knocked up Mary?

The Devil:Yes

Jack:You...you...you can burn in hell

The Devil:I'm afraid I'm already doing so

Jack:You will pay for this

The Devil:I know, here take this katana

(He hands Jack a katana)

Jack:This will feel good

(He swings the katana at the Devil's neck, before it makes contact the lights go out. When they come back on, the Devil has vanished and has been replaced by Cops)

Cop:There he is!

Another Cop:He's got a weapon

The Devil(off-stage):Shoot him!

(They proceed to fire multiple shots at Jack. He is continually shot at as he turns around to escape, he then collapses and dies. Everyone on stage freezes as one of the cops walks to the front of the stage)

Cop:What you've just seen here is a tragic display of what happens when sin gets into your life and the devil within you takes over and destroys every ounce of soul. For this I suggest that children of all ages should see "Sex Has Consequences" for if they do not see it, they're lives within themselves will be corrupt and they may end up like Jack and Mary. But remember their are good people out there that can save us such as...

(Before he finishes he is cut off by a mysterious figure in blue football pants, blue shirt and a blue face-painted hockey mask)

Mysterious Figure:Me, the Blue Avenger!

(He proceeds to tackle the cop and throw him off-stage, he then grabs the Devil from backstage and throws him against a wall and smashes him with his weight. The cops, Jack, Mary, the Washingtons, and the Jeffersons attack him but he breaks out of their dog pile and runs around destroying the entire set. He then grabs the stretcher and rolls it at everyone else knocking them over then runs off stage screaming maniacally. Zach Skier wallks back on-stage)

Zach:Um, uh good night everybody

(As the curtain falls, the Blue Avenger slides across stage on the stretcher)

The End